Funny's & Jokes

Time to have a bit of a lighten up i think…

Snow

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A nun buys a cucumber in the supermarket. On the checkout the guy says to her: "Why don’t you buy another one so you can eat at least one? "

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image

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This is exactly why the smallest book in the library is the book with German jokes.

Must NOT include panty’s especially for Jabs :rofl:

Little Tommy asks: “Dad can you explain what politics are?” The father answers: “That is really easy. Look: I am the one earning money so I am CAPITALISM. Your mum manages the money so she is the GOVERNMENT. Grandpa makes sure that everything is in order. So he is the UNION. Our maid is the WORKING CLASS. We all only want your best. So you are the PEOPLE. And your little brother is the FUTURE. Did you get that my son?” Little Tommy says yes but he might asks again tomorrow.

At night little Tommy wakes up because his little brother shit his diapers and cries. Tommy goes to his parents bedroom. But there is only is mum and he is not able to wake her up. So he goes to the bedroom of the maid. There his father his fucking the maid and grandpa is looking through the window. Nobody recognizes little Tommy watching too. So he decides to go back to bed. Next morning the father asks Tommy if he has any more questions about politics? “No, I got everything”, he answers: " CAPITALISM abuses the WORKING CLASS while the UNION watches and the GOVERNMENT sleeps. The PEOPLE are being ignored while the FUTURE is in deep shit. That is politics "

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Q.E.D. (proving my point)

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

“Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!”

“All of them?” he asks, putting down his rifle.

“No, only one.”

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

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Putin: There’s a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected.

Putin’s stooge: It’s fewer, Mr. President.

Putin: Don’t call me that. Yet.

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There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,

“I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 100 Russians!”

The sergeant, getting more annoyed now, decided to send some of his men over, to finish this Ukrainian off.

After a while of noise and bangs, no Russian soldiers came back, and the voice shouted again,

“I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 1000 Russians!”

The sergeant, thinking that 1 soldier could not possibly beat 1000, sent his troops over.

Again, there was lots of noise, but then, silence.

1 Russian soldier returned this time, bloody and bruised, barely walking. The soldier said:

“Don’t send any more men over; there’s actually 2 Ukrainians.”

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What kind of joke you wanna hear? Have one especially for you: Why did 100 dutch men die?

Answer

They wanted to push-start a submarine

You are so going to get it from Stinky lol

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Putin consulted with a fortune teller

The fortune teller predicted that Putin would die on a Ukrainian holiday.

Putin asks: "Which one?”

To which the fortune teller responded, “Whenever you die it will be a Ukrainian holiday!”

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The truth about the car accident of princess Diana

Before entering the car Dodi sent a prayer to Allah: “I want to fuck Di in my car.”

Unfortunately Allah was a bit deaf and understood “I want to die in my fucking car”

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He is more than capable of doing that himself… :wink:

Waiting for your joke now…

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A Dutch man and a German meet in a bar in Amsterdam. They drink too much jenever and at some point the Dutch man says to the German: I am the son of God and I can prove it! Ok, says the German, prove it! They walk to the red light district and the Dutch guy knocks on the first window they see. The prostitute says: Jesus Christ, here again??

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